I don't know what I was expecting of today but it wasn't the best. Bearing in mind the last scan I had was 2 months ago when I was out of it with lovely medication, I think I had somewhat thought today I would just sail through.
An MRI scanner is like a small, snug tunnel which you are slowly moved in to. I had my head secured in a box like brace also so that my head was still. I had this little mirror above my eyes like a rear view to help me when it was time to complete the tests to map my brain.
I was in the tunnel for 1.5 hours straight and by the end my legs and hands were numb. You can sort of shuffle in-between scans but very lightly as not to disrupt the positioning. I was mainly fully in the scanner with some of my legs poking out. My previous memories of my scans were fine but as above the medication I was taking at the time made me oblivious to my surroundings.
I was trying to use my meditation but for some of the tests I had to 'not think' if that makes sense so that they could test my brain functions. I had a button in my hand which I could use at any time but I knew this would mean we would probably have to start over and I just wanted to keep moving on.
I think my expectations for today were that I would be in the MRI for maybe half an hour which if so I think that would be more manageable. I know in the future my scans will be a lot shorter as it will be checking and not necessarily testing.
I think it got to me the length of time today and I had a freak out and thought but what if I can't handle this how will I make it through the op and after- I hate feeling this way as I am trying my hardest to be positive. I really broke down when I got home and Mum has pretty much had the brunt of it- I'm so sorry Mum xxx
Today was the first day I've felt truly "stop the rollercoaster, I want to get off" but maybe that is because the op is looming. I also hate that I had such a wonderful day yesterday and today was not so.
Another part to today's story is that we now know that the craniotomy may have to be awake- this has been my fear for a while but I'm hoping once I have seen my consultant next week we can review this again and I will be reaching out to my Bertie buddies who have been there and got the t-shirt for reassurance and support.
I keep telling myself it has to be done, there is no other real option but I'm full of fear today. I want to still be me after the op and I'm scared that Bertie is taking over me and my life. Today I hate brain tumours and I hate cancer.
I haven't had a reaction as strong as this so far so I think it is important to blog.
Tomorrow will be another day and I know that I will get through this. I love my Carl, my family and my friends.
NB: Anyone who is awaiting an MRI I hope I have not worried you. The overall experience is not bad I just think several factors got to me today and the duration was testing.
No comments:
Post a Comment